Why Taylor Swift Needs To Issue An Apology

Dear Taylor Swift,

I'm a huge fan. I think you're one of the most interesting pop artists working today, and I've honestly never heard a song by you that I didn't, on some level, enjoy. You're an icon and I genuinely think that you earned that title. That said, I also think that we, your fans, deserve an apology before we can go on supporting you.

Now, if you're reading this, you may be wondering what exactly I'm asking you to apologize for. Should you apologize for your frustrating brand of white feminism? Should you apologize for the fact that you still haven't made a statement about the current administration, despite your immense influence and power? Should you apologize for the fact that someone said you should denounce white supremacy and instead of doing so you sued that person? No....Actually, wait, yes. You should apologize for all those things but that's not the purpose of this letter currently. No, what I'm about is much, much, MUCH, bigger than all of those issues combined. What I'm upset  about is, of course, the lyrics to the chorus of your 2007 crossover hit, "Our Song."

As many of you have probably already guessed, the lyric I'm talking about is as follows:

When we're on the phone and you talk reaaaaaal slow,

'Cause it's late and your mama don't know.  

At first glance, it's a nice little lyric. It's a sweet little snapshot of young love that a lot of us can relate to....or at least that's how it seems until you take a second to think about what the lyrics actually mean. If you're like me, when you do that, you'll be filled with murderous rage.

Let's take a second to break down the lyrics, shall we? The song was written when Swift was still a teen living with her parents, and as such she still has to live by their rules. When it gets too late, in order to talk to her boyfriend  she has to do it in secret without waking her mother up and she does this.......by slowing down her speech? Wait, what the fuck, Taylor? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!?!??!?!

In what world does talking slow make it harder to hear you? Is your mom suffering from some rare disorder where she can only hear fast words? Do you think that the human ear functions like Predator and slowing down makes it harder to track sound, because it doesn't. If anything, slowing down your speech would make more noise because it would prolong it.

Seriously, let's take a moment to look at how this supposed conversation would go in real life:

  1. Taylor

    I...really...enjoyed....how....you...drove...around....with....one....hand....on....my...heart...

  2. Taylor's Mom

    Taylor sweetie. I can hear every word you're saying. Hang up the phone and let's have a serious conversation about how yo don't know how hearing works.

I'm no dummy. I know that just because you say that you're talking slow doesn't mean that you aren't ALSO talking quietly as well, but if that's the case then why not say that? You know what means talking quietly and rhymes with "Talk real slow"? "Talk real low"! IT'S RIGHT FUCKING THERE! It's literally one letter off and, unlike the actual lyrics, it actually makes sense.

Like I said, you're a lot of things. You're an icon, a singer, a mogul, and, well, probably a little racist. Above all else, though, you are a lyricist and as such, I cannot give you a pass on this anymore. These lyrics are dumb and indicate a severe lack of good judgement on your part. They put a tarnish on an otherwise great song and, as such, feel like a personal attack against me. If you see this, I hope you will apologize for your misdeed. With any hope, we can work to move forward and put this unpleasantness behind us so I can continue feeling bad about liking your music.

Love and light,

Willie