Look, Charlie Brown! We fixed your terrible, sad-looking twig tree and turned it into a REAL Christmas tree!
Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown! Hark the herald angel-
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT
W-what? Chuck, we FIXED your tree and-
You fixed my tree? Were NONE of you Funko Pop-shaped dopes paying ANY attention to ANYTHING I've been going through?
You wanted to know the true meaning of Christmas, and so I explained it to you and-
No. NO. Hold the goddamn phone right there, you blanket-hugging pube-headed dipshit. You didn't "explain" shit to me - I asked you what Christmas MEANT, and you RECITED A GODDAMN SERMON TO ME.
Well, yes, in the Bible-
That's not "explaining" - that's REPEATING THE STORY OF CHRISTMAS. But did you stop and think for one goddamn second what that story MEANS?
Hey you blockhead, you can't talk to him like that!
You zip your goddamn mouth, you egomaniacal QUACK. I may have missed the football but I swear to God I will kick you in the head.
Anyways, the story of Christmas MEANS SOMETHING that went way over your oversized head, Linus. Jesus was born in a manger, amongst barnyard animals. He didn't look like anything special to anyone - just a poor little baby born to two poor kids who couldn't even find room in an inn. By all accounts, there was nothing special or notable about him, right?
DOES THAT SOUND AT ALL FAMILIAR TO YOU, YOU MISERABLE BLANKET-FUCKER? Remember when I first got the tree? This tree you all gave me SO MUCH SHIT OVER. It looked unremarkable, right? Nothing special? REMIND YOU OF ANYTHING?
Good fucking grief, you dimwitted FUCK. This was the ONLY authentic tree for sale. EVERY other tree was a glammed up, commercialized, aluminum MONSTROSITY. But the tree was simple and honest and true. The tree WAS special, because it was the only genuine one in the lot. THE TREE IS JESUS IN THIS METAPHOR.
That's right, "oh." The story of Christmas is about things that may not look like much to folks actually being special, despite their humble appearance. THAT WAS MY TWIG TREE - IT WAS SPECIAL BECAUSE IT WAS AUTHENTIC AND REAL. But you and the rest of these chuckleheads turned this simple, non-commercial tree into a glammed up bastardized version of itself in your misguided attempt to "fix it." You KNOW the story of Jesus, but you missed the entire fucking POINT. Don't judge shit by how it LOOKS on the outside - judge its character. Judge what's on the inside - what ACTUALLY COUNTS. This tree was GREAT, because it was REAL. You fucking SUCK, because you're a phony fair-weather-pagan HYPOCRITE.
I'm...I'm sorry, Charlie Brown. I guess I never thought about it like that.
And if you just HAVE to spend your time making something sad-looking into something acceptable by society's standards, why not give Pig Pen a goddamn bath?
Oh god, I don't have any parents...
NONE OF US HAVE PARENTS. GOD IS DEAD. TAKE A BATH.