1. Old People Who Somehow Still Don't Understand How This Bullshit Works
"Sure, this has been the norm for over 15 years at this point, but I'm still gonna be a crotchety old person who wants to loudly complain about how much simpler things USED to be! Because complaining about security lines while in the security line will definitely solve something, and not just lead to me going even slower than I already am going. You have to take off your shoes?! That's crazy! I'm going to react like it's the first time I've heard about this even though this has happened nonstop to me for over a decade!"
2. Guy With Two Carry-Ons, 4 Laptops, 8 Cell Phones, a Coat, etc.
"Ahhh shoot - sorry, sorry - I know I'm holding up the entire line, but I just REALLY need 6 separate plastic bins. I know I could have gotten my multiple laptops and tablets out earlier, but I decided to wait until the last possible moment so I could maximize the amount of scrambling I have to do. And I'll end up forgetting about my belt, my keys, and a nail clipper I had in my pocket for some reason, so I'll have to keep going through the metal detector over and over. Sorry!"
3. Guy Arguing About Wanting to Keep His Bottle of Water
"Listen - it's JUST a bottle of water. See? It's not even full - it's only HALF-full. Watch, I'll take a sip. See? It CAN'T be dangerous! I'M DRINKING IT! Well, no, I don't want to drink ALL of it now. Just let me take it through the line. I know it's against the rules BUT keep in mind I thought I could sneak it through, since the rule is bullshit. NO, I DO NOT CARE THAT I'M SLOWING EVERYTHING DOWN AND COULD VERY EASILY JUST BUY ANOTHER BOTTLE OF WATER FOR $1.49 ONCE I GET PAST THE GATE! IT'S A MATTER OF PRINCIPLE!"
4. Anyone With Brown Skin and a Beard Who Dumb People & TSA People Get Nervous Around
"Hey, it's me - the Sikh wearing a pagri, which everyone around me will read as 'a Muslim guy wearing a turban who may be a terrorist.' I mean, not that it actually makes a difference, but c'mon - is it THAT hard to figure out the differences in headwear and cultures? There are BILLIONS of non-white non-Christians, it's probably time you stop assuming we're just an amorphous single group. I'm not Muslim, but even if I was - what difference does it make? You ARE aware that there are way more domestic terrorist attack deaths caused by white Christian men than by Muslims per year? But more importantly: ASSUMING SOMEONE IS A TERRORIST BECAUSE OF HOW THEY LOOK IS EXTREMELY FUCKED UP, SO MAYBE CUT IT OUT?
It's fine, though. I love being constantly stared at and given EXTRA SPECIAL ATTENTION by TSA agents, who excessively check everything literally every time I go through security (but give pretty much everyone else a pass) to the point where I have to EXPECT to be held up at least an additional 30 minutes. I love being racially profiled for the pleasure of taking a Spirit Airlines plane to Topeka to visit my in-laws. Totally worth being degraded."
5. Ultra-Efficient Type Who's On the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown
"I've pretty much memorized that George Clooney bit from Up in the Air completely - I travel with the bare minimum of baggage, I never take more than 15 seconds to prep myself to get through security, and I get insanely frustrated by literally everyone else who shows even a moment's hesitation. WEAR SHOES YOU CAN EASILY SLIP ON AND OFF, IT'S NOT THAT HARD.
Very excited to have a stress-fueled heart attack when the person in front of me getting on the plane tries to jam their carry-on into the overhead compartment that is CLEARLY already full."
6. Fancy Rich Person Who Gets To Go In the Fancy Rich Person Line
"Hey, I didn't do anything WRONG. I just happened to be well-off enough that I got a SPECIAL TICKET that allows me to go through this fancy rich person line that has no one in it, so I get to zip right through and not even think about it. Heck, they don't even make me take my shoes off. What? It's not MY fault I'm rich. If YOU had been smarter and born into a life of wealth and luxury like I had, you could be in this line too. Not a great decision to be poor and stuck in the regular line, but not everyone can be a genius sitting in first class like me."
7. Guy Running Like 45 Minutes Late Who Really Wants To Cut
"C'mon, just let me cut to the front of the line! I'm running late and my plane is going to take off in 15 minutes! What do you mean, 'go to the back of the line?' Why should I have to deal with the same rules and restrictions as everyone else - don't you realize MY NEEDS ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT ONES?!
It's NOT FAIR - there was TRAFFIC. No one else here had to deal with traffic, probably. Also I woke up late, which also isn't my fault, because I slept through my alarm! All I'm asking is that you don't make me wait in the same line everyone else has had to endure, and that I get to skip all the hard stuff as a reward for being irresponsible."
8. Person with WAY Too Many Kids
"Darryn! Aemily! Chaxler! Graymon! Daenerys! Mayve! Get back here and take off your shoes! Do you have your bags? Take out all of your iPads, NOW! Hey, I said take off your SHOES, not your pants, Darryn! Graymon, how many iPads did you bring? I SAID ONLY BRING TWO IPADS APIECE! You're holding up the line! I THINK TRAVELING WITH THIS MANY UNCONTROLLABLE AND RESTLESS CHILDREN WAS PROBABLY ILL-ADVISED!
Well, at least everyone will also hate me and my kids when we get on the plane and they all start whining and crying super loudly and I get agitated and scream at them to be quiet."